Why are jeans everything? They can make or break an outfit. In my case, they are my only outfit since other than workout clothes, they're all I wear. The perfect wash, the perfect length - which is hit or miss for us shorties (5'3 here), rips or no rips, and of course - how they make our ass look. Why is it that a number on a little tag can have us freaking out, feeling emotional, feeling accomplished, or even angry? We slip into our favorite jeans that we just wore only 7 days ago and they suddenly don't fit! Out of nowhere everything is wrong and you're asking yourself why you spent the small fortune you did on these.
That's a lot of feelings and experiences tied to pants.
That is exactly why I finally threw away my favorite pair of jeans. They were from Zara. They were the perfect mix of a medium to sort of dark wash. They had rips in the knees which had grown into full on black holes from me accidentally placing my big foot in them each time I put them on. The length was perfect for heels or Chucks. They were also a size 2.
I bought these jeans sometime in 2016. Workouts combined with clean eating and my job at time, managing a kickboxing studio, had whittled me down to about 117 pounds. I don't weigh myself, but I did go to the doctors at that time and my face turned into the the shocked open-eyed emoji face when I saw that number. Being below 120 pounds was something I had not seen since my early twenties. Though I was shocked, I have to admit I was guiltily happy.
Long story short, I don't remember how long I stayed at that weight. What I do remember are those jeans that slowly started to get tighter and tighter until I couldn't get them over my hips. After wearing them less and less, trying them on became a small ritual of gauging where my weight was more so than seeing if they would match with what I was wearing. I knew my weight had crept up as my eating became more relaxed and my intense workouts started to chill out and find a more normal pattern. I also had to go into a walking boot which eventually led to foot surgery - another story I'll share later. That didn't help me out!
Those jeans came with me all the way to Los Angeles where I still tried to convince myself that I would someday fit back into them. I don't have a lot of regular clothes, I own way more workout clothes. Surveying my closet for an outfit and coming across my favorite jeans that, at that point, hadn't fit me in close to two years, was starting to become a pain. Not as big of a pain as the words I would say to myself and the frustration I would feel for not fitting into them. Sometimes I would even hold them up as if I was holding up baby clothes (that's how tiny they looked compared to my other jeans that fit), and think how cute they looked and how angry I was that my rump wouldn't squeeze into them anymore.
I can't recall when I knew it was time to get rid of them. It wasn't only the jeans that needed to go, but also the idea that my body only looked good when I was a certain size. Maintaining that weight just wasn't sustainable. The irony was I had gotten to that weight for the most part effortlessly and stress free. The stress came after I saw that number on the scale and freaking out about how I could maintain it. Our bodies go through phases and have ups and downs. Maintaining a way you looked or felt years ago can be possible. However, if you're circumstances, living situation, schedule, diet, and self talk has changed - and it will - so will your body! Hanging onto "what used to be" in terms of your body is the same thing as hanging onto an old relationship. It serves you no purpose in the present and keeps you stuck and unable to enjoy and appreciate what is in front of you. Besides, who doesn't want an excuse to have to go shopping for new clothes?